Are your Presentations Missing in Action (M.I.A)? Let’s fix your A. I. M.

The biggest mistake I see in business presentations is when speakers focus on the message first rather than thinking about how the message will land with each audience. Audience focus is a good practice for all communication (written and verbal) and is especially useful when designing slides or preparing a talk. The A.I.M. model says t think AUDIENCE first, then know your INTENTION and then craft your MESSAGE.

A.I.M. is a receiver-driven model. After all, the meaning of a communication is how it is received, not how it was intended. Focusing on connecting first and then building content is the secret to engagement and will put the odds in your favor that your listener will hear what you have to say and take action.   

Here are 5 key questions to learn or understand about each audience to tailor the message.

1. What do they need to know, want to know, and already know?
2. How will what I am saying be of benefit and value to them?
3. How will they think, what will they feel, and what action do I want them to take?
4. What stories, examples, illustrations, graphs, and images will I use to connect both the logical and emotional sides of the brain?
5. Since first impressions are lasting, how can I craft an opening that engages the audience upfront, and answers their unspoken questions, why you? why this? why now and what’s in it for me?

Researched audiences feel understood. There are many ways of gathering information. Use a brief needs analysis to uncover pain points. Ask those who have worked with the person, team, or group before. When you don’t know much about an audience you will need to rely on demographics and generalizations, such as age range, job titles, industry, etc. so you effectively relate using appropriate stories and examples.

BONUS: The secret sauce when you take an audience-centric approach, is that you can anticipate potential objections and concerns, and embed the answers up front. This way, they can listen and their concerns do not fester throughout your presentation.

From Rock to Wreck

From my small perch, as a coach, a colleague, a family member, a neighbor, a friend, a citizen and a college professor, I have seen sturdy, strong men and women, people others would call “rocks” become wrecks, in the last few months. Many didn’t initially recognize that it was the COVID-19 wall they had crashed into, and left them feeling vulnerable and confused.

Vulnerability is scary. Many of us are accustomed to feeling empowered, in control. Our self-identity doesn’t allow for anxiety and depression. We fix things. Now, with our defenses lowered, our fortitude has been tested and everything troublesome, large and small, is magnified.

Many of my “rock” clients are struggling. Most are fortunate to still have jobs, food, nice homes and supportive families. So, what’s the problem? For some, it’s the blur between work and life with many now working 24/7. They’re juggling children, spouses, colleagues, bosses, and their own anxiety. Top performers in essential industries are understandably perhaps but irrationally convinced that they are about to be fired.
When we tell ourselves scary stories, we get scared—and frighten the people who care for us, be they spouse, children, or others in our circles. This is another kind of virus.

“Rock” people love to set goals. We have 1-year, 5-year, 10-year plans, a retirement plan and lots of plans in between. For now, however, the time horizon for planning is necessarily reduced to what is happening in the present. All we need to be concerned with is the next small step. We have to learn how to function when there is no clear path for our lives, and far less predictability.

We’ve had to readjust cold turkey. Whether it’s learning how to Zoom, home schooling the kids, washing our hands constantly, wearing masks—, we did it. We are constantly faced with balancing “Is this safe?” with the ills of social isolation. With many of our old distractions gone we are left with our dark thoughts. Stripped of our usual routines, we find ourselves reassessing our values, relationships and priorities.

Many conclude we can make do with much less. With the loss of restaurants, vacations, movies, lectures, plays, friends, shopping, etc. we are faced with a new set of options that may be unfamiliar or were formerly a default choice. Yes, we are among the lucky and privileged to have these problems. Do we take time to feel grateful? Do we now feel more tenderness for the human race, and compassion for the trauma we are all facing? We are staring at a rise in homelessness, social inequity, political unrest, climate change, and economic consequences globally. We wonder, “When this is over, will things be different or it all revert back to where it was?”

I’ve spoken with people who are aware that they are too angry, frustrated and sad to make good decisions. I commend them for asking for help. I consider myself one of those rocks, and I just spent a month chasing down “symptoms,” with numerous doctors’ appointments and tests, leading to panic and catastrophizing while waiting for a diagnosis. Bottom line: physically I’m fine. After assessing all the test results there is one diagnosis: I was suffering from social isolation. I didn’t see it for what it was.

My heart goes out to kids of all ages. Their childhoods are being robbed. When I see the little ones with masks on it breaks my heart. When I see young girls outside practicing their gymnastics or kids endlessly kicking a soccer ball or shooting hoops, all in the hope of “someday” making the team or playing again, I’m flooded with sadness. When I hear about the kids who are hungry, who can’t get online, and the tradeoffs of school or no school, none of this seems okay.

As the COVID-19 can gets kicked down the road, and the goal posts keep moving, we are tasked to live as the Buddhists have suggested, “comfortably in the now.” By choosing the Middle Way and keeping an open mind we will be more able to handle uncertainty and ambiguity. We will be more inclined to notice (but not judge) the constant stream of negative thoughts and in that process discover a state of being where we do not have to automatically give in to our fears and projections.

Mercifully, when I hit a wall, I bounced back. Will you see yours coming? Do you have the support in place if you hit it hard? My suggestion—to myself as well—is to reach out more. Find people who will listen without judging you. Frustration, confusion, anxiety, hopelessness are the normal feelings we are all facing in this “novel” worldwide situation. Take comfort in the fact that you, we, all of us, are not alone. Reach out to help others too.

Published in Thrive August 2020

A Christmas Double Intend-re

It was a crisp Christmas afternoon, and there was a peacefulness air. Before I left my apartment and headed to the train, I took out my dollar bills to have handy for those who asked. On a regular day it’s a hassle to take off the gloves, pull out the wallet, look around to see who’s looking around and find I only have large bills anyway. First, there was the woman asking for help to get something to eat, then, the gentleman in the subway belting out holiday tunes and next, the mother and child (on that day, Madonna and child).

After a lovely day spent with family, I headed back to the city. Just before I got home, I stopped into CVS. It was eerily quiet and empty. Just a lone cashier. I found what I was looking for and headed to the register. We had some polite chit chat and when he said, $3.91 I reached for my wallet and out fell a $3 CVS coupon. So, the total I owed was 91 cents.

I didn’t have any dollars, so I looked to see if I had change. All I had was a funny looking coin and a few pennies. I said to the cashier, “Can I give this to you?” and I handed him what I guessed might be a $1 coin. Tears came to his eyes and he said thank you, and that this was the only present he had gotten that day. Hmmm. Can I give this to you to me meant, do you take this crazy coin that I wasn’t sure was even US money? His reaction was so touching I said, “Of course” and then gave him a $10 bill. I now have singles handy, he got a “Christmas present”, and I got to look up double entendre only to find out that the second meaning to a double entendre usually suggests something risqué.

So, Christmas double intend-re for me. Cheers all.

Much More Than Meets the “I”

This is from my article published in the Daily News, “What I Learned from Incarcerated Men and Women.” Link below.

No mystery here. If they had my life, they’d be me. If I had their life, I’d be them. This simple yet profound realization humbles me each time I volunteer at the Fortune Society with those referred to as the “formerly incarcerated”. I get to see deeply into the souls of individuals who show me what true courage, resilience and determination looks like. In another life they could be successful entrepreneurs, salespeople, healers, sages, artists, teachers and everything we value in polite society.

I worked with a woman last week who did time for murdering her boyfriend. We talked about her “re-entry” into the world as we practiced job interviewing skills. I could feel her deep shame. I saw her as so much more than what she did many years ago. She told me in no uncertain terms that she wasn’t sorry she killed the bastard. Her shame came from her low self-esteem at the time; that she thought so little of herself to have been with someone so horrible. All I could think of was to share with her my favorite guiding principle from Maya Angelou. “When you know better, you do better.” With that simple thought, I saw a thousand pounds of rocks lifted from her heart. She smiled, then cried. How would her life have turned out if she were afforded the counseling other young girls received, or had the role model of loving parents, or learned other ways to express anger and frustration?

Then, there was the gentleman that I did a mock interview with who wanted to get a job in custodial/maintenance. That was his job while he was incarcerated, so he had experience and references, so to speak. At the end of his very convincing interview, I paused and was moved to ask, “What do you really want to do with the rest of your life?” Tears came to his eyes as he described how each day, for 30 years, he kept his sanity doing architectural drawings on any scrap of paper he could find. I asked him if he kept them, (thinking he had a portfolio) and he looked at me with sympathy. “No, he said. Each day I had to eat the paper or rip it up, because they thought I was drawing an escape plan.” This talent would be nurtured in another life. Maybe he would have designed prisons.

I worked with a gentleman who unleashed any and all dogs he saw in front of restaurants because he couldn’t stand to see anything/anybody in chains. An animal activist?

Many stole to feed their addictions. I’ve worked with others arrested for stealing as a means to feed their younger brothers and sisters. That’s all they knew about how to put food on the table. A hero to their siblings and a villain to society.

The Fortune Society is an amazing place. They truly know how to provide the services and support to give thousands what they so desperately need. To be seen for who they are, not their conviction. Many of the staff themselves were formerly incarcerated. They get it! They know what’s needed to change lives. It’s a judgment free zone. We all suffer from the lack of love, connection, compassion, and appreciation. We all want to feel valued, engaged, relevant, respected, heard and trusted.

Yes. They did bad things. They are not bad people. They could be us and we could be them. It’s that simple.

https://www.nydailynews.com/opinion/ny-oped-what-i-learned-from-incarcerated-men-and-women-20190725-bkbkcoa7c5fvzlpclhl2kpotka-story.html

What Does Your Tee-Shirt Say?

I’ve been using this image with clients for years and they usually chuckle when they realize what they project is what they get. All day we consciously and unconsciously emit messages. These signals are read more loudly and clearly than we might imagine. Further, I believe we live in universe that is kind and will support us with what we ask for by putting things in our path, if we ask clearly. When we are confused, we get a lot of confusing choices. When we are forthright about what we want, somehow the serendipitous coincidences seem to multiply.

For example, if you think work is a necessary evil, you will probably get jobs that ultimately torture you. If you believe work is a place to find community and contribute at a high level, the likelihood is you will find a job you enjoy.

This is a combination of science and law of attraction. The science part is that we give off energy which is received and interpreted. The woo woo part is a belief that when we ask for what we want and we are open to receiving it…voila, it happens, almost like a miracle.

So, get clear about what you project because we read you loud and clear.

What does your tee-shirt say? Some days mine says, “NO JERKS ALLOWED”. Other days, mine says “KIND PEOPLE ADMITTED ONLY”. On my “No jerks” days, I use a lot of energy. On my “Kind people” days, I seem to smile a lot more.

So: what does your tee shirt say?

Please note: The Universe is not on your time table.

Here is the message on the tee-shirt I wear when I meet new people or consider new opportunities: RIGHT = EASY

Has Medicine Become a Retail Experience?

I have an enormous regard for the pressure that physicians face when trying to balance patient care and time constraints. Patients have done their homework on their illness and their physician and want to heard. They expect an excellent customer experience and look for excellent technical skills as well as honed people skills. The traditional hierarchical model is being questioned and we are looking for a guide on the side. Satisfaction scores are being used for all sorts of decision making ranging from reimbursement, bonuses and hiring/firing.

The impetus for writing this article was to find a way to say thank you to the team of doctors who went above and beyond in their care. It started me down the path of thinking about communication and customer satisfaction and it developed into a seminar on the topic. Although this is designed for physicians, the same communication principles such as likability, show empathy, know your audience, anticipate concerns, etc. apply to all situations.

I recently had an article “Communication Will Enhance the Doctor-Patient Relationship” published by Physicians Practice. Below is the link to the article: http://www.physicianspractice.com/patient-relations/communication-will-enhance-doctor-patient-relationship.

Here’s to thinking of the patient as a valued client and thinking of the physician as a trusted adviser as we look to reach our health goals.

Changing Another’s Behavior

My friend Dian wrote this article and it gives us a tool for what we thought would be almost impossible…to change someone’s behavior. Thanks, Dian.

By our fifties, we’ve learned to cope with all kinds of personalities. Divorce, death & retirements further alter relationship dynamics & new communication skills are required. Most advice says we can only change our own behavior, this isn’t 100% true. This powerful technique can alter another’s behavior without confrontation—whether a partner or anyone else. Think about the behavior you want another to change. Examples could be to drive slower; help with housework; be more attentive; increase intimacy; give you more space— whatever. To begin the transformation, start complimenting the other person sincerely for what they AREN’T doing. Here’s how it will unfold. Suppose you want someone to listen more closely when you’re speaking, but they’re not. So, you start visualizing that they are. When you’re together, you start peppering the conversation with compliments about their behavior and say, “I just want you to know how much I appreciate that you’ve really been listening to me. It makes me feel really good. Thanks.” The other looks at you & wonders: “What are they talking about?” They may say: “I didn’t do anything.” But at this point you say, “You’ve really been great. I used to think that what I said wasn’t important to you because you didn’t seem to be interested — but lately I feel like you’ve really been listening. I just want you to know I’ve noticed.” The other will likely shrug or say thanks. But then, things start to change because conflicting thoughts cannot exist simultaneously. The other is now considering what they may have been doing that you favorably noticed! They’ll start wondering: “What could I have been doing that made him/her think I was listening better?” Now, they are fully engaged in thinking about changing. The more we find ways to compliment a behavior we want to positively reinforce, the more we get the results we want–which benefits everyone’s happiness! During this shoot, I kept telling the pigeons they were beautiful & well behaved…and they really were! My hope was they’d behave in line with my gentle words & not poop on me. They didn’t! Proof of this principle in action! Let me know how it works for you! By Dian Griesel https://SilverDisobedience.Rocks Instagram @SilverDisobedience Facebook.com/SilverDisobedience

A Brief Grief Manual for Living, Dying and Dating

Recently an acquaintance of mine lost her husband. I suspect many of us struggle in this situation with what to say as well as how and when to say it. Call? Email? Text? Send a card? Visit? Take them out? Now? Later? Reach out? Let them be? There are two things I wanted to share with her. 1. I wanted her to consider that everyone grieves differently and moves on differently and that she will find her own way in her own time. 2. I wanted to prepare her that even with the best intentions, people will say things that are not helpful and maybe even painful. Remember they mean well. Often, they are dealing with their own emotions; this loss may trigger memories of other losses they’ve had, and frequently at this time, people fear their own mortality and say things to help soothe themselves.

#1. Everyone grieves differently and moves on differently

When people hear your husband died unexpectedly, it often triggers primal reactions such as pity, (you poor thing) or freeze (what do I say?). After the initial shock, opinions may be offered about your timetable and readiness to find a partner. People may remember hearing or reading that it takes one year of grieving for every year you were married. Let’s not generalize. True for some, not all. (BTW all divorces aren’t the same and divorced people move on differently, too). In answer to “Are you really ready?” Ready? For what? Heartbreak? Loss? Intimacy? Sharing? Caring? Exploring?  If you lost someone to death or even divorce you deeply understand there are no guarantees. And if you had a great marriage or partnership, you know what is possible.

I feel so lucky that my friends and family are guided by what I think is right for me and they cheer me on. (Maybe I’ve trained them well.) Here is what I know. You are ready for a new relationship when you can put yourself out there with an open heart and open mind with no expectation to replace or replicate your mate. I know I’m ready to share things that can best be shared only with an intimate partner. Bring it on. Enough said.

#2. People mean well and yet sometimes say things that are not so helpful.  At least to me.

Below are some of the things that I suspect are rather common bromides, said by well-meaning acquaintances, friends, and colleagues who want to reach out and ease the pain. I know they spoke from the heart.  Maybe it will help others who have the best intentions and struggle with what to say, to know how these words landed for me. One communication principle I teach is that the meaning of a communication is how it was RECEIVED not how it was INTENDED.

“He’s in a better place.” Really? A better place would be right here, right now.

“I sense his aura around you protecting you.” Yikes. I don’t, nor do I want to.

“If you talk to him it might help.” I don’t talk to dead people and they don’t talk to me.

“You will be reunited someday.” I don’t believe there’s some hotel in the sky that I will check into with my side of the bed waiting. Perhaps this comforts some. Not me.

From well-meaning widows:

“It’s 3 years later and I still cry every day.” That’s really sad. Too bad.

“I didn’t take my wedding ring off for 5 years.” Oh, what a hussy I am.

“There are no men out there for us.” Not my experience or belief.

“You’ll never find anyone as good as your husband again.” And this is helpful how?

“You were cheated. Robbed. You should have had many more years together.” Actually, I think I was blessed with the time that we did have together. People who didn’t experience the unconditional love I had are the ones who were cheated and robbed.

The feeling of being blessed for what I had and deeply knowing that phase of my life is over, is the driver that allows me to move on. I never felt like a victim and no one would be a louder cheerleader for my continued happiness than my husband. SO, BRING IT ON!

What was most helpful in the process was knowing that I was surrounded by people who cared about me and shared the loss. Just being there and telling stories that made me smile was the best medicine. And yes, cooking for me or bringing my favorite foods felt very nurturing. Most of us get through grief and go on quite nicely. My hero in this journey, Sheryl Sandberg, whose husband also died suddenly and unexpectedly, met a new great guy. She’s on the talk circuit with her recent book and I heard her speak passionately about resilience and moving on. YAY!  Good for her! Here’s to resilience, and with a little luck and timing thrown in I will have my own new story too.

 

How I Learned to Keep My Options Open

My mother was into full disclosure, or truth in advertising and/or managing expectations. Or maybe she just didn’t want any returned goods after the sale. That is why she felt the need to tell all of my serious boyfriends about my second grade assembly that she and many other mothers attended.

Each child walked across the stage, stopped, and recited their Three Wishes. I seem to recall in those days they lined you up by height so I was in the middle, towards the back of the line. (I think even then I noticed how sing-song everyone’s voice was -some early awareness and preparation for a career in public speaking.) When it was my turn, I walked to the center of the stage, stopped and proudly declared, “I only have one wish. I want the whole wide world.” Then I moved on, proudly.

Now had my mother been different, she might have smiled, turned to another mother and said, “She will grow up to be President.” But alas, no. She was mortified. She admonished me later, something about why didn’t I follow the rules like everyone else. I think she wanted sympathy for her plight in raising this very willful child.

Lest you think I wanted the whole world because I was greedy, I distinctly remember it was about keeping all of my options open. The thought was, how the heck did I know what I wanted or was going to want? I was only 7 years old.

The strategy paid off. Not that I’ve gotten the whole wide world; but I knew early on that I could explore, invent, and reinvent and I delight in continuing to keep figuring it out. I still keep my options open with the same curiosity, wonder and appreciation I had at 7 years old.

Life and Death Lessons

Thank you, Sheryl Sandberg, for having the courage and grace to speak from the heart to the graduates at UC Berkeley. Your words of wisdom were profound and wise.  And, thanks to all of you who feared I might miss or might listen to (or read) her comments and forwarded the link to her graduation speech.

It’s another reminder of how similar and yet how different we all are. She and I share grief, heartbreak, and loneliness, and, as she calls it the “brutality of loss” for husbands who died suddenly of unexpected heart attacks. We share gratitude. Sheryl found deeper gratitude and appreciation after her husband Dave’s death. She also discovered the depths of her resilience. I felt gratitude to be unconditionally loved, moment to moment, day to day and year after year. I learned from my husband’s life about kindness and grace.

Sheryl and I are both familiar with Seligman’s 3 P’s and how important resilience is in processing negative events. The first P.  Personalization. She found her husband. I would still be inconsolable if that happened to me. I would have lived with the feeling that I could have done something then and there to save him -medical knowledge be dammed.  As odd as it sounds, I am so grateful that my husband died (4 very long months ago) as we lived. He felt a burning in his chest as he was exercising (at home) and his last words were, “I think I’ll sit and watch the swans”. For a man who loved nature, living in his dream house, watching the birds, wow. There was only the slightest gasp (he was a quiet and gentle person, never wanting to call attention to himself). I rushed over, pushed him off the chair, did the TV version of CPR and knew instantly that I got his last breath and he got mine. I knew he was gone. Forever. EMS came rapidly and could not resuscitate him. We were one of those goofy Siamese twin couples who liked to always do everything together. I am so grateful for our ending. There always has to be one. And we were together.

This is making me too sad to go through the other P’s, but suffice it to say, the real point is that everyone grieves differently. I am grateful for family and friends who have always been and continue to be there for me. Sheryl Sandberg’s courage lead me to this public tribute, to my husband, Roger. A sterling example of a life well-lived. I miss you. I love you, too.